Fear of God

My fear of God often has much to do with how I think and feel about Him. I am a learner by heart, and “knowing” is a driving part of who I am. Naturally, what I learn about and from God has the ability to comfort, sustain, grow, and even terrify me. It’s this journey to learn that has taught me how to fear God. Granted, I don’t think “fearing God” is just a deep reverence of who He is. This is the author of all things. Deep things. But I do think there can be just as much healthy fear in learning about who He is as there is in learning what He’s capable of.

Learning that the “I am who I am” is not actually who you think He is can be a bit shaking. The more I dedicate myself to the study of theology and Christian belief, the more I discover a great and resounding doubt in much of what I thought I knew about Him. For those of us who grew up in the church, most of our lives has been spent learning about the character and nature of God from those who learned in the same way. We have ideas and thoughts we form about God, and can pull out our cozy little verses to back these doctrines and belief systems. However, these comfortable phrases and whitewashed theologies can come crashing down around us when we discover God like Moses did. This great swirl of thunder and cloud can be quantified in a few little verses or contained in one book? I have my doubts. And it is these doubts that most often have tugged me away from the flagship of “orthodoxy,” and into the deep waters of Christian mystery. It is in these waters that doctrine no longer seems as firm as it once was. For years, conservative evangelical doctrine has been the pervasive understanding of God in much of the American church. But as I grow and change, I cannot help but sense a lingering distaste in the comfortable “norm” of Christian belief. For many, their doctrine is resolute, but unfounded. It champions truth, but forgets beauty. And the more I hear the easy Christian escape routes of “it’s in the Bible and that settles it,” the more I wonder if in our drive to be certain about God we have forgotten how to fear Him?

If my doctrine comforts me in ways that I feel my current relationship with God cannot, I am on the wrong path — I have departed from the Jesus way. So I have learned to cultivate a deep suspicion of my own comfort in certainty. I am not to be a glutton with self-assuring theology. In theology and doctrine, doubt and self-suspicion have become a light that guides me. Curiosity is no longer the enemy, he is an old friend who shows me the path. It has been in the moments of deep curiosity that I have learned a fear of God. I am afraid of where He’ll take me. I am afraid of what He’ll show me. I am afraid because in my journey to know Him in an authentic way, I have forsaken the doctrines that once made me comfortable. Many of the beliefs about God that I first approached with nervous glances and sweaty palms are now mainstays of my own personal belief and theology. The fear is in the not-knowing –the “unknowing.” It is in those spaces where the question lingers, “Is this Jesus; is this biblical? Or have I truly become a heretic?” It is easy to think so. Christians throw around the “h-word,” heresy, as if it were going out of style. In a belief-system that has been so debated and diverse, orthodoxy and heresy can sometimes have blurred lines. The problem is, the heresy-hunters can sometimes be right as much as they are wrong.

And I am stuck in the middle of it.

I am stuck in the middle of it because intimate and authentic Christianity requires a relationship with Jesus, His body, and His book. In this very relational way of life, uncertainty is a welcomed guest. Unlike the easy confines of biblicism and “sola scriptorum,” my entire way of life has to rest upon my friendship with Jesus. And as a learner, a knower, and a human being, if that doesn’t make me afraid, I’m not sure what does. This is where I find the fear of God. It is fear of the vast unknown of who He is.

I find this fear also in deep longing. Deep longing to know Him as friend, to study Him and His ways. A man knows the subtle smile of his spouse; a wife knows the worried looks of her husband. In this way, I want to know what God looks like and how He acts. That takes time. Years and years and then forever.

If man fears what He does not understand, then man should be most afraid of God. We should allow that sentiment to drive our theological understanding of Him. He is all at once a great swarm of mystery, our oldest friend, a gentle grandfather, and a kind spouse. This is the foundation of good, true, solid and beautiful theology. If  “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom,” then we would do well to remember how much we should be afraid of quantifying Him, and of making our declarations that, “this is how He is, end of story.” He is not finite, and there is always more to the story, always more to who He is. And despite what your pastor’s website may tell you, He changes. His character never changes to be sure; He is a good and beautiful God, but He does change His mind. And the only way you’ll know is if you’re taking the time to listen.

It is freeing to understand that knowing God is choosing relationship before choosing comfort. But it is a journey. There is much to be known about God, but it cannot all be found in the Bible. Of course; test every doctrine against the Word. But remember who the Word is. He is living and breathing, with great character and integrity. He is a deep reservoir of emotion and feeling, and He is always motivated by love. Test your doctrine against that Word.

Fear His mystery, fear where He will take you.